sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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