I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I need moral support for this bender
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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