So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
