Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
