i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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