did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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