Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
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