I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
