I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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