remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
