i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
