I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
