dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
