I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Randomize
