God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
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why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
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Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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