I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Randomize
