a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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