I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
