Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
