Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
