Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
