I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
