FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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