a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
