just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
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