didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
