either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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