I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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