I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
