I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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