Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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