i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
