Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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