look no pants
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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