people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
