What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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