So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
