my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
