You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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