They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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