The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
