last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just had sex on a roof
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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