I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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