I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I want to make a zoo with you.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
