I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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