Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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