If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
