The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
