Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
