My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
why do cheetos always look like penises
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
