haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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