it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
