In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
