no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
