shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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