Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Please don't give away my fajitas
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
