My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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