u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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